stop looking back
Friday, Feb. 05, 2021   9:42 am

ok. i just dug a little deeper.

i can admit im a little sad because my friend pool is so small. i dont have an office of coworkers anymore. this one day that people pretend to care about me....i have no one around to know now.

i get one day a year. and this year i dont.

i have my mom who is too excited for no reason. and her excitement actually puts me in a worse mood - not sure how that math works out but here we are.

i have john 4 states away who wrote me a half-ass poem (i say that cuz i feel like he whipped it up yesterday). he sent it at midnight sharp which was nice but he also gets off work at midnight. so maybe it was just a text of convenience. im not sure. we havent talked in a week.

my coworker only knows its my birthday because i pathetically slipped it into conversation earlier this week because i had a weak moment of thirst.

i dont care about birthdays. ok? dont get me wrong.

i just miss being around people and laughing and being happy for a few minutes. and this day used to be a reason to do those things. now, im just alone in my room and i know this is where ill be all day and night. and it just makes me feel so lonely and sad. trying not to think of birthdays past and where the people who spent mine with me are today and why they will not be saying anything or even knowing its today.

i think this would be so much easier if i lived alone in another state. but i dont. i live in the state where most of my past is. and my past people who are now strangers.

ok done for real now. time to stop crying like a baby and be the halfway to 70 year old woman i am now.