Thursday, Aug. 16, 2018 1:59 am
I need help.
That’s not exactly it but I’m writing from my phone so...ease and simplification for instant gratification. But I’m feeling compelled.
I’ve acheived my goal. I am alone. I’ve isolated myself to that point. A point to which I’ve been slowly descending towards for a certain period of time.
This is hard. So hard. I feel like I’m in hell. And I have never said that or felt that before but as each day drags commenced and starts over that’s all I can figure is happening.
I don’t know what to do. How to get better. As I type I withhold.
I want friends
I want to not have to drink
I want a relationship
I don’t need to drink when I have a companion
I am so lonely
I am used to being alone
I am so undesirable
I avoid mirrors at all costs
Except just my eyes sometimes
I’ll never find someone
I’ll never find someone I want who wants me
I’m not waxing my fucking face so I have to focus on new facial hairs fucking daily
How can I feel sexy after plucking my face??
How come men are sexy when they Don’t fucking shave?!
Im an awesome person
But I hate myself so much
And I don’t know how to go out anymore
I don’t have anyone to go out with if I did want to
I hate myself so much
I am so stuck
But I’ll only get loose by going up or down
I’m so close to down so fucking close
I have no one close to confide in to help me up
Mom is here but part of the problem and I don’t want to cause her any grief
I don’t ficuling know. I’m so sick of drinking but have nothing else to do without consciously hating myself wondering how it all will end. I can’t even actually get drunk anymore without being sick for the next 24 hours. So I can’t go out and take shots. I can’t play drinking games. I ducking vomited my way from vero home because I had some wine the night before. So I can’t sven be the fun fat drunk girl without missing a day of work. So money or “acceptance”. I’m fucking desperate for either. But in my damn wise age I no longer go out to bars alone, places I don’t know. It’s pathetic.
So I don’t go to new places
I don’t talk to Any people
Don’t have a passport
Dig my grave
I’m this close
So over it
Oh and I was raped and I looked my fuxkong rapist in the face and couldn’t identify him to the police. Fucking useless