happy death day to me
Friday, Feb. 05, 2021   9:11 am

i feel kind of sad today.

a loneliness has washed over me. with a side of emptiness. more than normal. but normally i just push it down and ignore it. today im letting myself wallow in it.

whats wrong? asked no one.

im 35 today. living with my mommy. writing in my diary. and will be spending the day completely alone only because i have no other options.

if thats not sad, then i dont know what is.

im not comparing myself to anyone else. thats not healthy duh. just reflecting on my own pitiful life. ive isolated myself and it shows. was it on purpose or not though?

did i really like the people in my life or did the always-present alcohol make just about anyone tolerable?

this last year of not being able to socialize (aka drink in public) has proved the answer is the latter.

the last 20 years of my life have been almost all about socializing and getting fucked up off one thing or another.

this last year has been an about face and im stuck looking at just my own face. just kidding - i dont look in the mirror anymore.

im not sure what to do or who i am if i dont have people to entertain and to be entertained by.

and so this is a sad, lonely birthday for me. im not going to wallow in it. im allowed to feel it for a little bit. ill be wrapped up in work and itll just be another day within the next half hour.

is it time for a dating app? the question i grapple with almost daily. but then i end up remembering every time i have created a profile, ive deleted two days later and feeling much worse about myself than when i started. im not sure how to make sure that doesnt happen again. so i nothing. oh well.

if i believed in the bible id probably become a nun. why not? cant meet people out in the real world. dating apps dont work for me. the girls in the nunnery would be my family. and i could stop hoping for things i feel so sure ill never have.

and that concludes the birthday pity party.