humblepie
Thursday, October 01, 2020   11:51 pm

ive encountered a first.

in a year of the worst firsts.

after years of hurts.

a triumphant first.

after four years of trying, I finally got my insurance license.

a couple things- not four straight years, but the journey began then with some slothly gaps in between. if it took four years til i passed god bless the people i insured.

and the other, well i forgot by now.

but(t) fuck. shit. im happy. im proud.

i am not normally a proud person. at least not in the definition of the emotion im feeling. i take pride in my work but its such day to day bullshit that i dont get an award for i just get to keep my job.

this, i worked for. i care for. i plan to build a career around it. i look forward to supporting my family with it. i feel stronger about my future with it. and i did it.

i havent Done anything in a long time.

but thats not right.

ive been employed almost all of my life since i was at least 15. and everything ive done ive put my whole heart into just cuz you should- otherwise youre wasting everyones time especially your own. i believe whatever work you do, you should at least believe in it. not everyone gets a chance at that dream job. that "do what you love and youll love what you do" bullshit. ive never had a dream job. ive just always taken joy in contributing. customer service for a wrinkle cream that didnt work? well - i didnt know the company was a scam. i believed in our product and the 3 people in 6 months who liked it. so i represented the company AND the customers because i believed everyone and i believe in helping. ive always enjoyed my work. no matter what. and the one time i didnt, i quit. but thats just once in 20 years that i couldnt find the joy in work.

okay - im done editing that paragraph as though this is a job fucking resume

im proud of myself. for where ive found myself. but i can hear a friend saying - no. where youve placed yourself.

and i have to keep that in mind. no one gave me any raise. i literally had to take it. and if i wasnt worth it i wouldnt have kept it.

for the first time in a long time, i am now allowing myself to feel good about myself in new ways.

i have always been a good employee. i have always stood up for myself regarding wage. i have always been the go-to person in our company for any issues even the ones that i have nothing to do with. that does make me feel good. but

i havent finished something in life for a very long time. seen it THROUGH. ive started many things: vegetarianism, no cursing, cleaning out my closet which i keep adding to....

but. i. did. it. and i care about it.

ive seen agents get licensed and give no flying hootenanny about the ethics, the rules, the ins and outs and it makes me sick (not in my office but on the scene....)!! now that im licensed i feel like i have a voice for shady practices and im proud of that too.

fuck anyone. im so proud of myself and its been fornever that i can say that to and about myself.

i was so. excited. when i found out i got my license. but when i picked up my phone i had no one to tell. or, i knew the people i would tell wouldnt be impressed or i knew they wouldnt care.

to be honest, i felt more alone in those minutes - after finding out i got my license and having no one to call and tell- than i have in the last 6 months secluded living and working in my little bedroom.

i looked around with a dumb smile on my face.

my cats didnt care.
my tv didnt care.
when i texted my boss, his reply was "kk"
then "cool"
then "congrats"
thanks boss.

im only alone

^ ^ ^ i typed that but got distracted with another thought but dont wanna delete it - its like it was written in ink

as a result of my as of late hustling, i feel more hopeful about my family's future than before. like..i am an optimistic human bean. i guess maybe ive been lucky in some things and i have a certain...idk the right word because faith is not it. but based on the calculated moves i am currently trying to make, i think that my family and i could potentially benefit greatly and thats really my end goal.

to not have to physically take care of my mom or stress about her finances!

idc if it sounds cold but its true. ive never been able to run my own household and until she and i can live independently there are certain life skills i may not be able to acquire. and ditto for her. we both deserve to watch each other grow rather than sit on top of each other like legos.

im kinda happy and im kinda proud.

im a proud girl.

and im waiting for the fucking rug to be pulled.

ps
im going to block that last entence from my memory and hopefully the universe hasnt heard it yet but it took me 20 tries to type this sentence now - universal typos i think - so...it knows...but ima be good. and happy. ha. jk. ok bye. i kinda love typing on my laptop. bye