i love you john tolliver
Monday, Mar. 18, 2019   4:52 pm

im not the best friend. (not the best most things- tho i can fuuuck up a nap)

im not a very good friend to my best friend. whom i call my brother when speaking about him.

im going through a phase. a very depressed, internal, selfish, dark time. maintaining relationships if the person does not live next door to me is hard. no - not just hard. thinking about picking up the phone to text or call a friend for no reason other to say "hey how are you?" feels like lifting a 2 ton weight. fucking impossible.

and its not right or fair- especially to john. hes going through a very depressed, internal, dark time. im litrally one of the only people in his life and definitely the closest- even with my distancing. and i barely talk to him. i feel terrible. every day. i feel terrible. just cuz i dont reach out to him doesnt mean that i dont think about him (almost every day). i worry about him. i care about him. i kinda need him. but i dont call him.

he used to call me. almost every day. i rarely answered. i cant stand the thought of talking on the phone (the thought- not necessarily the actual action). it feels so heavy such a burden. he called me on his cigarette breaks at work. five minutes. thats all he wanted. just a quick "hey how are you?". i knew this. and still i wouldnt answer his calls. couldnt.

he stopped calling as much. it probably hurt. even though he knows me and understands me. still couldnt feel nice being ignored, i reckon.

with all my free time not answering the phone, ive wondered how much longer can he sustain himself- what with the extreme depression, isolation, ten+ year active addiction, self-hatred, freezing cold upstate new york. hes not really ever mentioned suicide to me. hes never said hes done and over it- like i have no problem saying to almost anyone these days. but ive wondered if he has those thoughts. in my mind, to me, how could he not at this point?

ive thought about it- how would i feel if he did something to hurt himself and had i just answered that gd phone call....

(in my defense- he KNOWS i prefer to text. he could text me rather than call or text me first or something. well, sometimes he does. whatever.)

but how would i feel? would i blame myself? probably. maybe because it hasnt happened i cant really say or know. but part of me (a dark whispering part in a far back miserable hole in my soul) is thinking - maybe itd be for the best. he deserves peace (assuming that one gets to rest after death but is that more of a heaven/religion thing? i dont believe in heaven so why would i think someone gets to be at peace just because they leave this earthly plane? dammit. these are just the things we tell ourselves to sleep at night i guess). i mean if he doesnt help himself to get better what is his life anyways? its probably a bad dark thought. maybe because its how i feel about myself. so to me thats a solution.

last night, sunday, i realized that i havent heard from him/communicated with him for 9 days. i had texted him to see if he was awake to talk 24 hours earlier (it was 130am). i can phone talk much better when im drinking/drunk. no answer. at 9am- texted again asking if he was alive. no reply. so then last night i called him. straight to voicemail and voicemail full. and my texts were green. we have iphones- they are blue unless someone is not connected to the internet or out of range or something.

that feeling. it was a sinking. it was an instant life drain from my body. the sinking. i sunk inside myself. 9 days. what did i do? how can i undo undo undo???

it was 2am. i had no one to call.

i wanted to call his mom. but she worries for him so much as it is. what if he was fine and there was no reason to involve her? hed hate me.

i called his "brother"/lifelong best friend who just moved out of his place a month ago- they had a BIG falling out. property was damaged. they broke up. they said they hate each other and never wanted to talk again. but i didnt know who else to call. he didnt answer.

god. what if its real? it happened. he finally couldnt take it anymore. i could have done so much better. he deserved so much better. from me and from himself. already thinking in past tense. fuck.

i guess considering its literally life and death, its allowed- so i called patti.

hes in rehab.

PHEW.

hes been for a week. and shes relieved because if im looking for him, hes still there.

i should do better.

i hate regret. its the worst. i keep it to a minimum. this. this. would. ruin my life.

but i dont know how to do better. or be better. i dont think i currently have the tools.

i mean i guess im fixable. not like im missing a limb. i should do better.

BUT HOW.

ugh.

long story short. i am so relieved johns okay. i cant wait to talk to him now.