dont fucking think
Thursday, May. 10, 2018   6:11 pm

if i dont think...its all good.

the second i open that door in my mind...the instance peer down that hall...it sucks me in. it swallows me whole. even as im typing these words describing the event im kind of lost in space. staring into nothing. feeling lost and gone. the computer screen and my letters creeping onto the page are just a background blur. if i let myself stay under too long my view becomes blurry with tears i force my eye sockets to suck back in. like a long gross cold loogie.

i just closed the door. sitting back up straight. staring directly and lucidly at the screen and words i am putting here.

i try not to let myself go there. but there is nowhere. i disappear into a silent sorrow that i could never name. i still dont understand my feelings about this. why im upset. why it makes me want to cry and die. but these thoughts mean thinking about it. which is exactly what i am trying not to do. fucking carousel doing speedballs.

this is why i smoke. this is why i drink. it slows my mind down and points it in other directions. #copingmechanisms #oldhabitsdiehard i guess. at least im not tripping, doing coke, bars, fucking randos. look ma! im all grown up.

dont think. this is so unfair. i am warmest in my melancholia but this is one maudlin misery i dont care to curl up in. i dont care to repeat this in my mind or bask in my brokenheartedness. so, i stay away from my mindless mind roamings these days. well- unless i get really high. then i take myself in more digestible directions.

but i am grateful. it could be worse. i could definitely be more bothered. affected. effected. disturbed. but i keep myself the perfect balance of mind-alteredness/sleeping/distracted. it could be worse. i know it. but i also know im not dealing with it properly.

not "know". thats putting too much pressure on myself. and not "properly" because everyone and their process is different- there is no correct way to deal with finding out after 5 years that you were raped and it happened to someone else and you may have to provide testimony about what happened to you.

so, let me correct myself- i think im not dealing with this in the healthiest manner.

but all i can think is...dont think. i dont know. ive here now thunk myself into a tizzy and now i just want to cry myself to sleep. but im sitting at my desk at work. thankfully its go time and i can go smoke and drink and watch tv and play candy crush until bed time.