whiny baby
Tuesday, May. 08, 2018   4:40 pm

im so miserable. this has been one of the worst 12 months of my life.

ive wanted to quit. so bad. ive flirted with disaster but.

im still here.

while its easy to get lost in my thoughts and sucked into the void..i had a thought today. mini epiphany.

be more grateful.

i do have a lot- even with my immense lack of A LOT.

1. i not only live in the us but i live in south florida. a really special place with a lot of opportunity and diversity
2. im not physically disabled
3. i have a good full-time job, new car, home, the liberty of spending my money on what i want and need when i want and need it

thats as far as i got. but its certainly more than many have (though many have the core things im lacking. quick list of that- self esteem, love, willpower) and i must remember to stay grateful for what i have. i need to get my mind out of the dark and turn back towards the light. its so easy to get turnt around though. especially when im so alone. and i truly have little desire to reach out to anyone and maintain a relationship. its hard. but thats part of my depression right now, i think. i think maybe if i do better in some places, other things will line up and get better by osmosis.

but god im constantly crying on the inside. fucking weeping (whenever im not berating myself, that is). i wish my death were the answer, but i know its not. not right now its not.