kaboom mind blown
Monday, Apr. 30, 2018   11:51 am

ignorance was apparently bliss.

and i never knew it.

until it all came crashing to a halt two days ago.

i got a call from a new york number. i definitely didnt answer it. but there was a voicemail.

"hey jordan my name is josh ulna a detective with the new york police department working with special victims. i used to work with detective brown who i believe spoke to you back in 2012 about a case here in manhattan theres been some updates some developments in your old case and if its ok with you id like to speak with you very briefly if you dont mind giving me a call back at your earliest convenience.."

i didnt believe it. i thought it was a prank. what a cruel joke! and who would prank me thus? who knows about this?? was that my detective's name? brown? new developments? i didnt even know i had a case.

my curiosity got the best of me. i called him back. he said things that sounded vague but also that sounded like what happened. i was afraid i was giving too much information- allowing myself to be taken. asking to be deceived. but eventually he gave more information than he couldve if it were not real.

this was real.

my ignorance was bliss. i didnt even know it.

apparently male dna was found on me when they examined me at the hospital. and it matches a "case" from 2017. it was just anonymous dna sitting in a refrigerator for 5 years.

SO MANY THINGS to unpack from those 3 sentences.

-fuck im so stupid. for so many reasons. stupid for thinking i wasnt raped. for the last 6 years.
-holy shit. had i not gone to the police after leaving that apartment there'd be no "match". i might help put a serial rapist in jail. thats wild. i thought it was over and behind me. but now its literally coming right up in my face. the detective wants to fly here to show me pictures of rapists.
-the same thing happened to someone else??!? damn. is it horrible i feel relief that im not the only one? some rage. but also i feel super small and vulnerable- like a small child alone in times square at night.
-am i going to have to testify? am i going to have to see him? does he remember me?
-why the fuck wasnt i told until two days ago that fucking dna was found on me?? why was i allowed to live for so long like i wasnt raped?
-i still dont feel like i was fucking raped. like- my body didnt feel like someone had been inside me. maybe he just came on me. im so glad i remember nothing. because what i do remember is like yesterday. long blue skirt. woke up on a strange couch with my pink panties around my ankles and 2 guys in the kitchen making breakfast who didnt even acknowledge me when i woke up and ran out. ran out. went into the subway around the corner. found a cop. and told him i think i was raped. i dont know what possessed me to do that but something did and im glad.
-i want to go back to new york but not for this!
-i asked the detective to do me a favor- since hes fucking dredging all this shit up with me and since he needs me to help him with this. i asked him to help me find donna robin lippman. i just want to thank her for everything back then. i went to look for her card. i looked in my zippered pencil bag. it wasnt there. as i closed it up, fucking detective on the spot heard the zipper and asked me if that was my purse. i was like- um no, mr. nosy. and he commented that itd be pretty remarkable if i still carried her card around with me. i assured him- no. the card is put away for safekeeping- i do not carry it around with me. a little while after i got off the phone with him i looked for her card in my zippered wallet in my purse. and sure efuckingnough there it is. not only is it zippered and in my purse but i carry it around with me everywhere every day. and i made him feel dumb for suggesting that. my heart stopped when i found her card in my purse. i dont carry it around with me for any reason but for not losing her card but i guess that speaks for itself. idk.
-this has me rocked. but i dont know why or how. its weird. i just feel dumb. and i hate feeling dumb. i dont know what good it would have done, but i wish id known there was actually dna on me. would it have depressed me more at the time? would it have made me into a scaredy-cat hermit? maybe. its kinda doing that to me right now. i hope i had an std in 2012 and that i gave it to him. i want to cry. but i dont exactly know why. i want to talk to someone about this but i have like no one. im gonna tell fifi i think. just cuz i think im closest to her in the world lately. which is fucking pathetic shes just my coworker. not just but we dont hang out off the clock. but we do sit back to back 40 hours a week. which is more time than i spend with anyone else in the world.
-i dont know how women go through things like this and never tell anyone. i mean it is kinda a downer. idk. idk. i have to do some figuring out here.
-wanted to take down some thoughts.