holding my breath
Tuesday, Dec. 12, 2017   11:01 am

ive figured it out.

i dont want to be here anymore. walking this earth. i really dont.

but thats not what ive figured out.

one day these diaries will be literally just collecting internet dust taking up internet space.

im going to kill myself after my mom dies one day. i cant stand the thought of dying before her. she really does not deserve that.

so ill wait. wait and be miserable. wait and get fat. wait and be alone. just waiting for the day i dont have to wait anymore.

i havent figured out what to do about matthew though. leaving him utterly devoid of family on this planet terrifies me and breaks my heart. but maybe in the 10, 15, 20 years i have left hell really be okay. maybe hell even have a family of his own. maybe he already does.

sidenote: hes not really alone. his fathers side is huge they just want nothing to do with my mom- the succubus that took the baby of the family down to florida to get murdered in cold blood at 38 years old. so, he has no recollection of meeting that side of the family and they havent reached out to him. so- theyre not family.

so, my plan is to appease mommy til she dies. make her think im okay so she doesnt worry or stress over me- she cant make me better anyways. i know she wants me to be happy and in a relationship and having babies. but shell have to accept me paying all bills, not asking for money, showing up to work every day as my success.

after getting home from work yesterday i drank some wine, did some little shit around the house, went to dollar tree, back home to do more little shit, little smoke, then bed. i didnt interact with anyone. i didnt do anything that made me feel good. i dont even know how i stayed up til 12 or why.

i dont need to exist. no one would notice. no one would be missing out on absolutely anything and i have to accept that this is my life. my heart cries when i see the normal people around me. normal people who can maintain friendships. who visit their mothers regularly. normal people who can save money and spend money. normal people who are lovable and have love in their lives. normal people who dont bully themselves with every other thought. id really hoped for more for and from myself. this is a real shame...that im so broken that all i want to do is die.

i have a lot more thoughts on this that no one cares about but im sitting at my desk with tears streaming and i dont want anyone to have to feign interest in me- especially at this place...im manager of my department and still somehow invisible chopped liver.

im just stuck in my own pity party for one too deep. stuck. fucking stuck.