rip lil peep
Thursday, Nov. 16, 2017   12:00 pm

im just so over it.

all of it.

this life.

feeling this way.

i don't want to do it anymore.

im heartbroken. every day. and i do it to myself.

i dont know how the normal people do it.

i wish i could embrace a more wild, reckless life and just blur through it all until its over. but thats not me anymore. i like having a place to live and money for gas and car insurance.

so im stuck living a boring, lonely, monotonous life counting the days for it to be over. dreading each coming day.

last week i faked it. i was "happy". i wore colors. i smiled and nodded like the normal people. i reacted to their dumb stories with awe and wonder like a normal person would. i walked with my shoulders back through publix and the office and a small smile forced onto my face. it got me through the week but deflated by the weekend and i dont have the energy to do it again.

help? do i want help? what exactly does help for me entail? i want attention. i want to be loved. i want to be loved by certain people. by a certain person. is that my only cure? that doesnt seem right. cant be right.

i have to fix me. and either i dont want to or i simply cant. i have no clue. but i do. i want to just be better. i dont know how to get there. i want to BE in london but i have no clue how to get there...so ill stay here? in miserableville? in suicidal tendenciesland?

i think ill go to sleep as soon as i get home from work again. then i only have to be awake for 50% of the day. smaller window for heartache. im only happy in my dreams. i only know love when im asleep.