vicious. cycle.
Thursday, Aug. 24, 2017   11:34 am

it was bad. dark. scary. lonely. bad. scary.

im not sure how or why..but it got better. i got better slowly. i think maybe my little social life was definitely a helper.

we're a ragtag group (whatever that means) of lonely adults trying to stave off the harsh realities of life like trying in vain to stave off a cold.

most of them bore me but if youre bored then youre boring so..maybe its me.

but i dont want to die like i did. i dont care. im just losing hope in good things for me. well..im struggling with myself. i want to do the good things that help make good things happen but its so hard to get myself there.

i want to- nay, need to- get more active. i desperately need to get in better shape. for equal parts self-preservation and self-esteem. i really do not want to be my mother in the area of confidence. she lets her low self-esteem stop her from doing so many things. be it activities with groups of people or really anything that involves going out in public to finding herself a loving relationship so she doesnt die alone and shriveled inside. but the more i let myself go, the worse i feel about myself and the less i want to go out so i stay home alone and destroy myself even more. vicious cycle.

im not as miserable as i was..but im not nearly happy- let alone content. i signed up for okcupid. didnt even last a week- maybe 3 days. i do not wsnt to meet men online. my charm is more charming in person and its the same the other way around. also, i dont seem to have enough "full body pics" and i dont intend to take any. i want something with someone. sooner than later. but...who? where? how? when? and why would they want me...but that last thought right there is a big part of my problem. oy. vicious.