dont believe me? just watch
Thursday, Mar. 17, 2016   10:48 pm

i always wondered...

i always vague fantasized...

from the time i was ten or twelve, i think..

what am i going to be like when i'm 30?

what am i going to look like when i'm 30?

where am i going to live?

what will i be doing?

where will i have been?

i thought about it from my desk in high school..
i thought about it from my cubicle in every call center..
i thought about it riding the bus going to get fucked up..
i thought about it riding the bus home from getting fucked up..
i thought about it from the depths of happy relationships..
i thought about it with a kid..
i thought about it with a habit..
ive...thought about it.

all of the worlds in those thoughts, though, were cloudy at best. vague. no matter how connected one might be to the universe, past, present, and future, it will fight against being revealed or even surmised- at all costs! the future pushes back..

anyways- i had no idea...i could hardly even begin to really know or guess. but its nice to dream. i had some scenes of me as a business professional in a serious relationship. or in a struggling but happy and beautiful little family working hard to do it all right. or being a teacher, single, doing coke in my apartment regularly while grading homework blasting the stereo.

nothing to crazy, really. nothing out of reach. nothing elaborate.

yet, here i am, 30 years old, living with mom, laying in bed with smashing pumpkins playing, getting high, drinking beer, and writing in my diary. the only fucking difference between me and my 16 year old self is that i didnt drink or smoke and i'm one zip code over.

its so sad.

i could say, "where did i go wroooongg??" but thats bs. i went wrong at too many turns and im still doing it.

i think my real problem is, i really dont know how to go right.

i could search this diary and easily find how many times ive said im going to change. how many times ive said im going to stop saying and start doing.

i could then, easily calculate exactly just how soon i forgot my plans to change and save the world.

im great at saying things...

and because i know this...and i really want to rid myself of these ridiculous bad habits- im not sure what to say.

i have no more promises to make to myself or to this diary.

i just have to do it...it..

all the good things..