throwing up in my brain all the time
Wednesday, Oct. 14, 2015   11:50 pm

maaan...i dont know..

clearly..i know Nothing..

ive done nothing.

im doing nothing.

im inches from literally feeling like nothing.

my phone doesnt ring for days- except for bill collectors- who call 7 times a day..

i have nothing to look forward to- except foggy far off plans to run away to europe..

im unhappy with every aspect of my day- from my interactions at work to my spending habits- which i can always justify just fine when i want what i want.

ive said it before and ill say it again- i need help...

except, this time im not a teenager. im not a young twentysomething learning the Real World. im a full-fledged adult. and i dont know what to do.

i dont know everything. but i do know that i need to just DO IT. i need to just fucking do it! i need to just take a damn walk at night (im too tired from the day). i need to control my food consumption (i deserve to eat what i want- i could die at the hands of a schizo on the bus at any moment). i need to get a degree (my day job takes all my heart and energy out of me and how can i work, go to school, and have J-time? i need my me time!!)

i feel fucked.

every other thought in my mind is self-deprecating. i dont deserve that. why do i keep doing it to myself? i so easily talk myself out of doing what i "should" do. but then i think, what "should" i do? who decides MY should? only me. but then again- only i have to live with me. i dont have a lover or a confidant. just me. but i have to live with constantly telling myself i hate myself. i have to live with the heartbreak of not fitting my clothes and my reflection...

i wish i was a cat. cats are beautiful and dont need a positive self-image to be so badass and have their devil-may-care sense of self.

but im not a cat.

im just an unmotivated, broken, 2lbs into obese old twentysomething.

#imfucked

i hate hashtags...but sometimes...