the come up
Wednesday, Jul. 08, 2015   9:44 am

i dont want to be like her. thats my new-found motivation. i had an epiphany last night. and another this morning. i need to take better care of me. im sick of living like this. ive hit my bottom. the only way left is up. so, up, here i come.

i LOVE her. i do. but im finally seeing her for who she really, actually is, as a person. and im exactly like her. she never went any further. even before i was born. she was working in a department store. her brothers and mother told me she was always into drinking and drugs, even though she denies it. i feel terrible to believe them over her, especially considering everything i Know theyve done to her. but there has to be some truth to it. especially considering that she got into crack when i was 6 years old. then again, that could just be self esteem issues. but just because she got fucked up due to feeling shitty about herself doesnt undo the fact that thats what she did. either way, this is what ive grown up around and its all i know- living paycheck to paycheck, being evicted, moving frequently, changing jobs, sitting around the house all day, self hate. i dont want to be that. and i dont want to pass that on to mine and i dont have long to straighten it all out. but i want to. i need to. and im going to.