troubles
Thursday, Apr. 03, 2014   12:02 pm

life is so many things! i dont even know...in one day i can be sublimely happy and have my heart broken in the span of an evening. i am full of mixed emotions and i just dont know what to do with them. and the worst part of it all is that i have NO ONE to spew it out to. i really, really dont. i am isolated. kind of of my own doing.

lets see...

john is out of jail! and i got to touch him and kiss him and hold him yeterday.

i talked to reid. who eternally holds a piece of my heart and a time in my life. i miss him. ten years since we were best friends. fuckin time. he broke my heart. such a pure, good, sweet person. and hes in a relationship with a heroin addict with so many problems on top of that. i dont want him to deal with that. he doesnt deserve that. and i know its not easy. and i love him for trying...im very protective of the people i love and when they hurt i HURT. i wish/hope i can help him somehow.

my grandmother has an "end-stage diagnosis" right now. shes dying. also breaks my heart. breaking my heart even more is how much my mom is fighting-resisting-visiting her to say goodbye. shes going to regret it. im trying to tell her she can be angry after. but just say goodbye. suck it up and say goodbye. be angry later. i dont know what to do with her. but i just wish she would stop.

johns family is stressful. and theres nothing i can do. i feel like im at their mercy as john has been his whole life. but its for him. i dont know. they mean well. sometimes. im pretty sure. but other times...i just dont understand them.

im lonely. so lonely. not sex lonely. friend lonely. companion lonely. sigh. i dont see an end. so i drink. until i can smoke. then ill just stay stoned. I DONT KNOW.

ok. im at work. back to it.

i love my john. we gonna make a real life.