lonely limbo
Tuesday, Apr. 01, 2014   12:23 am

I don't get lonely often. I don't feel lonely often.

Today I do. Sometimes, lately, I do. I don't mean to. I guess who means to feel lonely?

I don't like it.

My best friend kissed my boyfriend. I have forgiven them to the best of my ability but pain still lingers. As a result she is no longer my best friend.

My other best friend, my boyfriend, is imprisoned. Be it jail where he currently is, or the year long rehab program he'll be in in a few days for a year. He's not here. And I am alone.

Then. There is John. He's been my friend for seven years-ish. I have de-friended him. He has de-friended me over the years. For various reasons. This time it's because he's not managing his internal and external pain. He is losing his quality of life integrity and taking me with him. My last friend. Can hardly exist as himself in his current state. Thus I'm stuck making a decision. Either be miserable with a friend or make my miserable friend get better. I can only hope my ultimatum helps him not hurts him. Unfortunately, I have no idea what the outside of this will be...

I have isolated myself in this adult life. On purpose? I have no idea. Do I prefer it? On paper, yes.

But my heart is broken right now. I tried to vent some stuff on my mom in the five minutes she was actually not home and she shot me down. And I realized I had no one else.

I like a lot of things right now about life. But...I guess there's some to be desired. Like, I wish I took a sleeping pill hours ago...