you take the wheel
Wednesday, May. 01, 2013   7:09 am

what do i know about anything? except that i know nothing about everything?

nothing.

you know how seers, shamans, healers, and lots of people have been taking shit forever to trip and to gain insight? and buddhists fast to acheive clarity? sometimes-and, i do stress Sometimes-my clarity is actually found at the bottom of a bottle (in this case, its actually the bottom of a four loco can)...and maybe it came from not getting high for a day...

i want to..nay..need to get back to new york. now. NAOW. fucking a. there is so much going on inside me. several little wars being fought. though none of the parties know what theyre fighting for or against. just that theyre there to rage.

-im so lonely. even more than in new york sometimes. i kind of moved home to pick up my social life, if im to be honest but its been two months and ive gone out in social situations like three times. im not a part of anything here.
-ive just promised my mom that well get a place together and shes looking like wildfire for somewhere for us to live before she gets evicted.
-john and i havent talked in days, and im pretty sure we wont. ships be sailing.
-donna robin lippman constantly asked me why i make other peoples problems my own, including those of my family. because theyre mine. who else will care?
-i want a full summer in new york!
-theres just nothing here for me. even less than there was a year ago, if thats possible.
-ill never be happy anywhere.

when i write it out and see it written out..what feels like world war z happening inside me really looks like a fight scene from the indian in the cupboard.

i truly dont know exactly what i want. but, im pretty sure that i dont see myself living in florida. getting a place with my mom. it sucks. it hurts to think im ruining her dreams and plans. but fuck..what am i supposed to do????? why cant somebody tell me? thats what i want. someone to TELL ME what i am to do. i dont fucking know.