heavy is the head that wears the frown
Thursday, Apr. 04, 2013   11:15 pm

i like to live my life light.

as light as possible with as much weight as possible.

light and breezy..able to float on fumes..never having a worry that lasts longer than any worry id want to have..

in the extreme case where i do feel worry, i like to either face the problem head on and conquer it or find the easiest way out and just forget it existed...

maybe thats catching up to me. things ive been putting to the side are piling up so big that theyre overflowing the side and spilling into the middle of everything...

this is all vague. pardon me.

i got to run away from the world and live my poor girls fairy tale in new york for the better part of the last 12 months...now, being home..i feel like there is so much heaviness..things i have to deal with..in the adult way. head-on, like i mean it. at moments it feels overwhelming..

right now im homeless. i have been since i left my apartment a year ago. the last year ive lived on other peoples couches, beds, and air mattresses. and it will still be at least a month or two or more til that changes...until that time nothing is mine in this world i feel. i belong nowhere. its such a sobering, scary, hopeless feeling..that there is no spot on this planet for me. all spots are taken and im just on borrowed space. it makes me feel so shitty. so, i try not to dwell on that fact..

out of nowhere, a week ago, i realized i love john. more than i thought. in ways ive always denied and could never fathom. its a good thing. its a great thing. but the suddenness and realness of it has me kind of shaken (monstra has alla that)..a little stirred..idk. im still getting accustomed to seeing him this way..and still coming to terms with what this means..for the past 7 years and who knows how many future years..im not ready for our relationship to be anyone elses knowledge. im still sorting it out..we werent on the same page, he and i, apparently. now michelle, kris, and glen know. so i have to deal with their sensational questions (is it official? why didnt you tell me? new york?) while still trying to wrap my head around it all. maybe it shouldnt be..but its a weight. oh! its a weight because once ive worn out my welcome here at michelles, im sposed to move in with him and his parents again. only this time...its personal..i am dreading having to move in with him at this point if we are indeed a couple. id rather not pursue these lovey feelings until im in my own place. that will ruin everything within days or weeks, i fear. god i hate having to live with friends.

(i like it, but the close quarters create tense situations and its never ended well for me...i lost my best friend in all the world and all the ages)

since ive been home i just feel like a giant waste thats in the way of everything and im pretty depressed and have pretty poor self confidence right now..its really weird, but ive even thought on more than one occasion of being dead. ending it..but shit, if thats another easy way out..fuck what itll look like when the shit pours over the sides..but the idea has reared its scary head..

i need to get out of it. feel better about myself. i am incredibly sensitive lately and i think its because i just feel so helpless and hopeless-being such a fucking loser of a 27 year old..im not used to being this sad like this. i want it to stop.

i started a job-finally-yesterday. hopefully this last month (my first back home) was just a weird transition black hole and now this job is the light at the end of the tunnel..somethigns gotta give before i do..

i gotta talk to john bout this stuff..