dumdumdumdum
Tuesday, Jul. 24, 2012   7:35 pm

i fucked up. as usual. and i just keep fucking up. over and over and over and over.

michelle told me just days ago that my luck would run out. going home with (a) strange guy(s) will not always end well.

i found that out the hard way-of course-yesterday morning when i woke up with my underwear below my knee and my long skirt above.

ive spent the majority of yesterday and some of today at a hospital. talking about it over and over with social worker after social worker, doctor after doctor, cop after cop...i just want it to be done. gone. behind me. ill move on.

im more mad at myself than anything else. i know its not my fault. i didnt do anything to myself or verbally ask for anything to be done to me. and no person deserves to be touched without their consent, under any circumstance. ok. i know that. yada yada. but it is my fault. what the fuck was i thinking going to an apartment god knows where with 3 or 4 guys while i was drunk? i wasnt. and i wasnt even scared or thinking about it like that. until after the fact. i should never have gone. this is my fault.

i suppose im lucky to be alive. but isnt that every day? especially with the things ive done. this is no exception. im lucky to be alive after inviting 2 strangers to our house in new smyrna beach. lucky to be alive after following tony to a house and staying there for four days-also new smyrna beach. im lucky to be alive after following international tourists back to their hotel rooms for a late night romps. im lucky to be alive after getting into a strangers car while drunk and on xanax. im lucky to be alive after driving with a stranger 2000 miles across the country. im lucky to be alive after meeting several someones from craigslist and going to their homes. im lucky to be alive after overdosing from shooting pills. and theres so much more. this doesnt phase me that way. nothing does. i dont care and i hardly feel lucky..

im going to counseling starting next week. maybe the result of talking to that really nice woman will make me care.

as though yesterday couldnt get worse, doctors told me my urine tested positive for pregnancy. i can barely remember the last time i had sex. and i dont feel pregnant. i told them over and over that i am not pregnant. but i still had to wait a couple hours for the blood to confirm it. which it did. but shit..that. sucked. what if i was?! i have NO money for an abortion. and im not about to raise that guys kid. this aint the time. and im glad i havent had sex since may.

im not sure what is going on with the universe right now. maybe this is all a big test. maybe its a big smack on the forehead telling me to wake up, get my shit together. i havent hit bottom yet, but im only hovering a couple inches from it. ive got 2.61$ til thursday or friday and $5 in foodstamps til i have no idea if i even get more. im going to lose my unemployment and the resulting paycheck wont be enough to cover a weeks rent. that is probably when ill hit the bottom. when i lose my apartment.

im scared. im upset. i feel stuck and lost. and its all my fault. i did all of this voluntarily. i moved here. i took a crap job. i went home with them. no one else. which is fine. id prefer to blame just me. i need some motivation. but i dont know what that will be. i cant just make it happen. idk. been thinking a little about being dead. not killing myself, just not existing anymore. this is all too much work and i feel like the only person in the world lacking the ability to see it through and be successful. i dont know. done.