johns pickle
Friday, Jul. 13, 2012   6:11 pm

i have a bad feeling about john.

i have a terrible feeling his life is not going to go well. it could end very poorly and while he is young.

he expects too much of the world and doesnt know how to put the same in.

not that that is sooo crazy. im that way also sometimes. but he is too stuck in that. i dont know how to shake his head out of that place.

he stresses, he defaults, he makes excuses. but he doesnt fix the problem. right now his biggest problem is drugs. not only does that keep him from being clear headed, but it adds tons of more stress on him because he hates himself so much for doing it. shame and such. its bad.

im mad at myself because im afraid to stand up to him and tell him what he doesnt want to hear. that he needs to stop being a baby, a little boy and become a man. learn to take on the world without cough syrup and stop blaming his parents for every moment of his unhappiness. which is only his.

i wish he knew how to appreciate what he has. which is two-not one, but TWO-parents who love him and who love each other. he has a roof over his head, always a full refrigerator, a car, a (mostly) sound mind.

but god forbid i say any of this to him he will get defensive and start telling me all of my flaws that he doesnt like. which is not what this is about-making him feel like crap. he needs to get clean and learn how to live. and the more he frets about work, and fulfilling him business destiny and lying to his mom and living under the weight of those lies the harder its gonna be. now, hes added the stress of finding a place to move by monday.

whyd he do that? he has no need or reason to leave his home. he needs to learn to go with the flow of the house and then he can do what he wants. but hes dumb and careless with it and just makes everything worse.

oh! how i want to say these things to him. but i dont know if theyd really be heard or if his ears would close up to it the moment i said something he doesnt like. its frustrating and scary. i see him on a path that leads nowhere good. im really afraid of what he will do. and i dont know how to air these concerns.

if something happens and all ive done is write this dumb diary entry i will feel so terrible. but what the fuck can i do from 1200 miles away?? besides push him even further away with words he doesnt want to hear...fuckin a.