what we saw from the cheap seats
Wednesday, Jun. 20, 2012   1:01 am

people keep telling me how brave i am.
they say they wish they had my courage.
they say they know it will work out.

people are wrong.

im not brave.
i lack any thing resembling courage.
nothing tomorrow can be known today.

i leave tomorrow (allegedly).
as michelle said, as of tomorrow my whole life will be different.

thats crazy.

this isnt my first rodeo.

i high-tailed it out of florida the first chance i could in the summer of 2004.

i came back a year later. but, boy! whatayear. i wouldnt exchange that year for anything. the people, the sights, the firsts. it was so nice that i went back to twice.

this is a little different. im older. im not going with my room and board guaranteed for 9 months. i guess that sums up the differences. maybe thats why im not as scared as the people say i should be. ive done this before. i didnt know santa fe. i didnt know anyone. but it was a game changer that ill never regret.

i cant/wont/dont believe that my relationship with john is over. me growing up entails a lot. and one thing is my newfound ability to forgive. or at least forget and move on. i know i am able to move past this episode and preserve the friendship we have built. maybe not in this moment, today, but i can. and i know he can too-not today or tomorrow, but he can. in all of our mean emails to each other, neither of us rescinded our love. actually, we both made sure to say i love you...somehow, somewhere in between the hurtful name-calling. we will be okay.

i am ready. to go. im one of the last of us to move on, but on i go.

shannon: pregnant
miguel: married with a baby, soon in california
gabby: babied
karlos: focused on work and school in lake worth
cameo: married
leah: making move in georgia
alex: in new york for 2 years
danny: 2 kids
everyone else: glen, john, kris, michelle (but shes got extra time)...working on it

those people equal my last 7 years. wholly. thru and thru.

and ive spent the last 7 years wholly invested in them. i wont call it a mistake, but its taken that long to realize that they are not me and i do not equal them. we all have our own lives to lead. i couldnt let go of what i found in them. which was pure, unadulterated fun. my favorite thing. but, i guess part of this being an adult thing is leaving behind your youth. not all of it..but you eventually learn what needs to be left.

the only way i can figure to move on is to literally do that. its too hard here. and ive lost any will to try here.

im scared as hell. im ill prepared. im completely on my own. but its all ive ever wanted so what choice do i have? its going to be amazing. i give it no other option.

ill prolly write again from the airport in 5 hours.