dare i regret?
Tuesday, Jun. 05, 2012   8:45 am

i cant live in this household anymore. why did i let this happen? why did i come here? why does living with best friends end in no friends??

all day long i have arguments with him in my head. over and over and over. i get angry and get face congestion and a tight chest.

i hate the way he lives but i really hate seeing it. he has no idea how wrong it is and how selfish he is. he thinks hes gods gift to the profesional world. thats what prolonged drug use does to you: gives a deluded sense of grandeur...and im lying constantly to his parents. they deserve to know he doesnt intend to get better. they keep giving and giving while he takes and takes and doesnt change.

but then im afraid to tell on him (or even try to discuss with him) because i anticipate him giving me my money. i mean even if our relationship is strained, hell still pay me back the 75 he owes me...thats also why im afraid to be honest with him. god forbid i say how i feel hell just decide ima bitch so when he gets money he has no desire to give this bitch any (even though it Was mine) i suppose i could grow a pair and be completely dependent on myself and say fuck the money im due, but its not right and im not kidding when i say i need it.

i hate the way were living. its very much feeling like at shannons house. (oh, shes pregnant, btw. thats a whole nother entry.) a feeling of dread lives in the pit of my stomach whenever hes not home, anticipating the moment ill have to see him. i cant even look him dead in the eye. i dont want to talk to him about his new job or anything. i do not like this john. its hard. i love him. idk.

a little over a week and it wont be an issue...