die harder or die trying
Wednesday, May. 23, 2012 4:42 pm
ive wasted away this year. the whole thing. ive done nothing productive since the clock struck midnight on january 1, 2012...
counterproductive, however, of course. i surrendered my home, job, possessions, hamster, and privacy all before the half year point.
ive lost motivation and inspiration. i lost who i am. im not even sure the last time i knew who i was...so i have lots of work to do.
yeah. so. work. to do. on me. thats my goal right now. i suppose my mid-year resolution. i am going to grab fucking hold on the reins in my life.
i listed above everything ive lost this year. all that shit was so important to me. but im here. still kicking and breathing. its okay. so, im going to take it one step further. throw myself into the deep end.
im going to new york. new york, new york. its a hell of a town. i hear.
my goal is 3 weeks from now. in the time until then i am going to whittle my belongings down even further. parting with furniture and clothes that id hoped to never have to. i am going to (try) to spend as much time with my family as possible, for memories sake..who knows when ill come back. then, as the time draws nearer ill assess my finances (totaling no more than a whopping $780), look over my housing options and set something up.
this is not the most rational plan. i know. but i have nowhere left to go. which actually, obviously, is not true. so go i must.
the situation with john is rough, at best. i cant even stand to look him in the eye. when i moved in here, our plan was partners. everything shared: feelings, money, cigarettes, ideas, space. somewhere along this line though, that plan has been blown to smithereens. i cant live with him. its very hard to appreciate someone from this close up. but, to move out of here is to have nowhere to live. which is why im taking my money and running.
theres nothing here for me except sweet n sour memories, unmet expectations, people of my life doing either way better or way worse than me-and i cant stand to watch it anymore. im dying thinking about people living. i want to live. ive forgotten what the world is like. doing stuff.
if i get tossed into the hellmouth that is new york, ill pick up the reins that have fallen to the wayside and ill make things happen. ill have no choice. alone in the world. without a single friend to toss a nervous glance at..ill have to brave it til i make it. or die trying. im ready for that.