wasting time
Friday, Jul. 15, 2011   11:06 am

i live with a pit in my stomach these days. just thinking about it is causing me to tear up. and tear up.

the actions of my days are no different of the days during last four months, but my head is in a different place. and heart. and crazy as it seems, thats making all the difference.

i am still coming home from work and doing the same things: drinking a four pack, watching star trek or south park or something, getting high, eating, falling asleep late to wake up late and repeat the day.

the difference here and now is how often i look at my phone and check facebook only for there to be nothing to look at.

im lonely. im scared. i alone. matt has his life happening. selling drugs takes a lot of time and focus. he doesnt have as much time for pining and begging me to be with him again. michelle comes sometimes for a mild drunken evening. oscar is more of a weekend friend right now. and everyone else ive lost. some my own doing and some victims of circumstance. but the end result is that im left alone. scared.

i should be figuring shit out, man. im 25 1/2! for fucks sake. why am i not doing jack shit???? i cant even clean up the roach carcasses ive created in my cabinet. i dont even open the cabinet, actually...i have managed to do the bare minimum to exist. i work to pay rent and i have a place to live so i can go to work. im such a waste and thats hanging on me too.

the pit still resides in my insides. but now, its shrunken a little.