whats been going on
Saturday, Jun. 26, 2010   2:34 pm

wowsers...i havent seen this purple screen in FOREVER! i suppose sometimes 3 months can feel like forever...

i dont necessarily feel like writing but i think i owe my future self this because otherwise i wont know what happened when or where or how or why.

i moved in with shannon 2 weeks ago.

its a strange thing to get used to. living somewhere new. somewhere without my family. which is silly because i have spent a couple years without them before. but that was a long time ago. almost 5 years now. 5 years is a long time. so much happens. so much time passes...

i dont necessarily like it here..but i also dont hate it. i kinda just is.

i finally have my own space. before, with my mom, i didnt even have my own bed..or, in my case, couch. so to have my own walls, door, tv, AND bed is pretty exceptional. but i dont want to live here forever. i think ill take some time to soak it all in and then look at other options.

by "some time" i mean summer. me and gabby are planning a trip to new york in august so i wouldnt want to make any sort of move before that...i cant wait!! like..really...and upon that trip ill know if its really possible to take that city on or not. maybe we can look at some apartments and i can do some inquire withins..we'll be in brooklyn which is exactly where i plan to land should i move there so...fuck why the hell not???

after that trip i will invest in a new laptop. ive somehow managed to break mine twice in less than a year. and i think this last one will stick. and then once ive gotten a new laptop i will take care and time to find out what my next step in life will be.

its summer. my favorite time of year. actually, all times of year are my favorite. its like the seasons are my children and i love them all with all my heart in different ways. but right now, because it is summer, it is my favorite time of year.

i think this summer will be a good one. i told shannon the other day that this summer marks a new chapter for us all. a good new chapter. well, actually, i think most chapters begin great and end terribly and thats how you know that that chapter is over. hmmm...is this a prediction?? i hope not. i hope this chapter ends on my own well-intentioned terms.

in the last 3 months john and i became friends again. the first month was almost like nothing had ever happened. now were not talking again. this time on my say. again. like the first time. unfortunately i cant remember why i said the first time. but this time...because its so fresh..i remember.

okay...it seems like a lot to through the whole thing-depsite the fact that its been such a short time and despite the fact that id prefer to get it all down for my own records-but alas, i just wont. the short story is that hes been through/put himself through a lot in the last year and as a result has made the conscious decision that dxm is his only repsite..his only relief...and really...i dont want to be around him then.

not that i dislike him so much when hes tripping but we make awesome plans when hes tripping and i dont know hes not sober so i get my expectations up. but i know personally that when youre tripping the whole world is possible. and ive been let down a lot in the last 3 months as a result and i dont want that anymore. also, if i know hes tripping while were together i want to trip with him. which isnt reasonable or feasible. and also, i feel like an enabler when all the very important people in his life want him to stop. and im important in his life but i dont want to be bunched in that group of people that he feels he cant be honest with. and he has stopped being honest with me. and i dont want that. so i told him i need not be around until he fixes some things. i dont want to be another who is telling him what he should do with himself and how. he gets that from absolutely everyone. ive seen it. and i dont want to be that either. so, another hiatus i guess...

but i was so happy to be with him again. i missed him a lot. and i think he missed me. and it was good. it was fun. it was productive. but it was like skating on not quite frozen ice. so i decided to get off...

i work with mommy now. i cant decide if i hate it or not. im making 12 dollars an hour. theres not been another job ive ever had where i made that much (which, duh, isnt that much in the grand scheme of things). well, i did have one job in between my dc trip and the last entry where i made 12...but if you look at the time between those two...it really doesnt count...

i like the job because of the money and because of the fact she buys me lunch, and because i work on my feet and sweat off some of this additional 35 pounds ive recently gained, and because my soulmate works there. but besides that? i hate it. its not going to take me anywhere i want to go in this life. unless i befriend one of my bosses rich friends. which has not happened in the year ive been working there intermittently. we'll see..but i want more.

so after the new york trip (august 4th) and after ive gotten a new laptop i will be saving money and decide what i need to do.

oh look...shannons finally awake. i think thats pretty much a good amount of what i wanted to record. so now on to the other diaries.