id be more apathetic if i werent so lethargic
Tuesday, Jan. 19, 2010   10:02 pm

im so miserable! in life right now.

id prefer to be my oft-empty self compared to being so unhappy.

my empty self just floats. nothing bothers or upsets or requires anything. but this me is unhappy about everything. impatient for something. and unfulfilled.

i hate myself. and as they fucking say you cant find love outside unless and until you love yourself. well, i dont foresee that kind of love. inside or outside.

and i could live like this forever. time is already flying as it is. i could live forever going to clubs and making out with strangers. waking up the next day only half aware of what happened the night before. i could. being miserable wouldnt matter as long as i could go out and do it again. forget chunks of life. time flies.

my normally hopeful self has fallen hopeless. im not as scared right now as i usually am though. it just is.

i want something more. i feel like that more is just around the corner. over the horizon. i feeel it. but every corner i round is just more of the same. after every sunrise just follows another sunset. noting different. it doesnt matter how i feel inside i guess.

i want the love. i need it. i just cant find it. the person i thought i could find it in wants me as much as i do-not at all. it makes me angry. he makes me angry. for not seeing in me the potential and love i see in me.

i feel like brooding this week. or is it being brooding? idk. BROOODING.

im patient. no matter how angry or sad. the patience outlasts it. as marge simpson once said:

You're a woman. You can hold on to it forever.