a time for change
Friday, Jan. 15, 2010   12:10 am

long time go, when i was upset-really upset-i needed to write. to get my crazy, fast-moving, troubling thoughts out of my head and onto (or into) something tangible. it was a release. i felt better the second i put down my pen (or clicked done!).

it was like having to piss for days and days. the relief. of the release.

now...idk.

i feel like writing down things that are upsetting me is dumb and pointless...

it feels trivial.

today i had a long list of things on my mind. troubling things. scary possibilities. no answers. only more questions.

i thought for a second (in my younger selfs voice, i guess): i cant wait to get home and write. get everything off of my chest.

then i realized that by the time it came to it that it wouldnt make me feel better. and that i didnt really want to write or get anything down.

this just isnt the same for me anymore. sometimes it is. it fits and feels good. like this a little. but lately keeping these 3 diaries is more of a way to keep time and memories safe than a place to vent.

its very strange but now id prefer to talk to someone about whats going on in my head as a way of coping.

im not sure how to handle it because theres no one i feel comfortable confiding in. it seems like anyone i have just isnt the right person (i feel very unfulfilled in my current friendships. i feel like were puzzle pieces that have been forced to fit but dont exactly.) and the one person who i want to talk to and feel just right talking to isnt the same as before.

shannon isnt a good listener to me anymore. its been a long time since shes been a shoulder for me. our dynamic has changed and i feel like all i am is a sounding board for her. i doubt she ever really hears what i say.

which sucks. because we, as puzzle pieces, used to fit. time has warped us so that we just dont anymore. im very much in mourning for that lost/damaged relationship.

so. ha. i think i just wrote to say that writing doesnt work for me anymore (in the way it used to). this dynamic has also changed.

ugh. more and more im really, really realizing that things change. and all you can do is roll with it. its proving to be a very tough challenge because it takes me a crazy long time to realize that certain things are evolving as they have for millions before me. life is constantly changing. i have to try to evolve with it. or do i? wont it just happen? idk. im still trying to wrap my head around the whole concept of uncontrolled change.

okay..im going to list what was killing my brain today. just so i understand in the future what this entrys been about.

1) paying money enough on time to get into phase 3
-not sure if i should go to class tomorrow or work (its been resolved ill do both)
2) the earthquake in haiti and what i can do to help and how soon
3) i think justin went and got a girlfriend
4) the job jon is trying to get me and if ill be able to accept because of the drug court schedule (thats a big concern)
5) not drinking until my birthday (another big one. abstinence is hard.)
6) no one to talk to or escape with

those are the biggies. theres more. money, family, driving a lot licenseless. but those were racing through my head like crazy all day long. and 48oz of monster.

i am following this entry with one about haiti. because, that, i must get off my chest in words.