oh, oh, oh
Tuesday, Dec. 29, 2009   12:00 pm

2 days. 2 days until one of the longest years of my life is over.

but what does the date matter, really? its a new day like any other. the fact that its a new year and simply in ones mind. purely psychological.

and yet, ill allow it.

ill allow it to motivate me to do and be better. ill allow it to mean some significance if only in doing so i can do good.

i havent gotten any better. ive only gotten worse. ive only become more dependent on things i ought not to.

drinking. cigarettes. sleep. food.

i have a lot of work to do in 2010. like, serious, grown-up work. i have to find a good job, finish drug court, and move to new york. by summer.

i want to have fun. but i think i can have more fun in the productivity than the opposite.

dont get me wrong-fun is still number one. but i must do those three things to help maximize the funtential.

im very scared of myself lately. ive no serious regard for anything. and im letting myself go in horrible terrible ways. letting myself go with drugs was one thing-i barely knew anything was happening. but sober...its a whole different experience. im too here for it. and get even more depressed and mad at myself.

which is dumb. i cant get mad at myself. if i do that then all is lost. i have to be my best friend.

idk. ramblings.

christmas was nice. it was really more about what i was able to give than what i got. my favorite given was a car radio for my mom. that was a good one.

karlos and aubrey are down. its nice having him here. makes me a little less lonely for the past. because a little of the past has come back.

done.