an okay christmas
Friday, Dec. 25, 2009   2:28 am

this year i think i understand what its been like for my mom all the past years.

i have no care or concern for what christmas will bring to me besides ensuring that my family is happy with what ive provided for them.

ive no expectations besides the hope that i can make them happy.

besides the hope that my brother doesnt feel any sort of lack or hole. as far as what christmas is supposed to be.

it bothers me a little that my mom is allowing me to carry so much burden this year. i wish she cared more. or put at least as much energy into this one day as i am. but, maybe shes just now allowing herself a rest,

i have rarely taken into account that her wedding anniversary is the day after christmas. that when she made those vows she anticipated dozens of happy holidays to follow. that every holiday season she feels more loss than happiness...no matter how hard she tries.

im not begrudging her so much this year as i may feel like i could be. its just strange the lackadaisical demeanor that im witnessing. but, really...its completely her right to. i mourned the loss of a 6 week relationship for 5 years (at least)..

i just hope that i can provide what shes provided. that, this year, i can make her as happy as shes made me feel this time of year for the last 14 years...

idk. i think ive done good. and even if shes not able to say so...i think so...