do i prefer the dark or sad side of my mind??
Tuesday, Oct. 27, 2009   6:21 pm

im not sure what just happened/is happening to me...

i got into this funky funk when i got home an hour or so ago. not only has it persisted-its grown.

i took a shower just now. and i thought to myself, "im sad." about what? not exactly sure. nothing. everything.

then i decided i needed a good cry (after moments of trying to recall i realized that i have no idea when the last time i cried and didnt hold back). i couldnt summon one. my dark thoughts said, "youre broken. you cant love, be loved, or cry." while my sad thoughts bounced from one sadness of my life to others trying to bring on the Tears.

then i bargained with my inner self, "just one tear. for old times sake?" not even a one.

it scared the fuck out of me. why cant i cry? why was a part of me fighting it so hard?? because then im vulnerable? doubtful, seeing as i was already in naught but my birthday suit.

i emerged from the shower even more funked than when i went in.

dare i blame it on the prozac? i just began taking it again on a regular basis after about a week of not. and this is just the beginning of my second month on it. im not sure. but i feel so bothered. and conflicted.

i cupped my face in my hands. leaving nothing but blackness between. then i closed my eyes and squeezed tight as i could. i pulled myself as far into myself as i could-hoping to see something. blackness. as black as black gets. i was inside and there was nothing but the dark side saying, "see, youre broken."

i hope tomorrow i feel better. right now all i can think about is getting drunk. and i know thats not right. but i feel like i need to to get out of funkytown. again-not right.

idk. i shall sleep on it...