9mm and a three piece suit
Wednesday, Sept. 23, 2009   7:39 am

i was so convinced in this mornings shower that i was going to start starving myself today. just not eat. eat ice and chew gum.

then i was looking online for pro-starving websites for tips on not waivering..and lots of other sites talked me out of it.

dammit.

excercise.

i can do it.

i can.

i have to.

i am so miserable the way i am right now.

i may as well hit 200. ugh. no. never.

people tell me i think a lot. pretty much everyone whom i cross paths with. but it seems this prozac is making me think more.

or maybe its just making me think its making me think more...idk.

i want to be attractive. to myself. im not right now. i am completely uncomfortable in this body because its not me. its not who i was 6 months ago. a year ago. 3 years ago.

i dont really know how shannon and mich function. id never leave the house.

i want mike to love me. but not this me.

im not happy. not really sure how soon im supposed to feel different. yes i am-2 to 6 weeks.

i want to feel something now. i want to make myself go for a run when i get home. i want to stop myself from making a taco bell run at 10pm.

moms birthday yesterday. benihana. i pity her. and then i feel bad for saying that-but its true. shes completely alone besides me and my brother.

no one else in the world acknowledged her birthday. she was being really happy yesterday but i dont always kno how to just turn that on. itd be easier if there was someone else. she doesnt deserve to go through this life so alone. it breaks my heart to witness. i dont want to be around her all the time. if i were normal id live somewhere else probably. would she be alone then?? i dont know. she just doesnt deserve this fate.

and on that happy note...

.fin.