fight back the fucking tearsssssssss
Thursday, Aug. 20, 2009   2:30 am

ann says im doing good. well.

whatever.

its hard.

i cannot share this experience with anyone i know.

i cant ask anyone to really understand.

even going through pages and pages of research can i, myself, understand.

lately all i can think is that my brother is a lost cause.

thats not fair.

lifes not fair-my moms mantra for my life...

but that cant be it...

ann says im doing the right thing by retreating. by not escalating issues. by accepting the way things just are.

i cant accept that.

but the "day by day" book says (for august 18, 2009) to learn to adjust and cope. i cant fix everything. i am not the center of the universe (surprise to me).

despite seems, my family is the center of my universe. or maybe just outside of my universe's orbit..i have no one without my mother and brother.

and without my mother i am nothing. so once she is not of this earth its merely my brother and i.

this world will revolve around us not i.

its just so hard. i dont see the world in asperbergers.

i dont see the world so literally. i dont know how to teach him literality(?) without knowing how to convey it (to a toddler).

im scared. shes coughing at night again.

any day (every day) could be our last.

im scared and im not prepared to hold him. although thats all ill know how to do.