i worked some shit out here.
Friday, Jan. 02, 2009   5:07 pm

how do i start?

ive tethered myself onto the side of a rocketship. ive been through the universe...to the top. to the bottom. to the outskirts and back.

i have become so warped as a person. its hard to remember who i am and what i truly want out of life.

this state ive been in has left me wanting nothing but to rebel against life and responsibility. not even consciously...but thats the truth in what ive been doing. im avoiding reality. truth. i run and hide in druggie hijinx. never wanting to come down to see what i really am.

but how much longer and i going to keep digging? why? do i really want my start in california to be as a homeless person?? hell no. i can do it right.

i love my dreams. fruitful fantasies-with the golden aura around them. they look so beautiful to me. but, thats not how it will be if im unprepared for reality.

i need to practice some real discipline, for really real, at this time in my life.

came too close to being really arrested on new years eve. for the same fucking thing i got kinda arrested for 3 years ago. dumb shit. too real. and thats not going to be me now or ever. i dont like being searched. told what to do. standing like an idiot while they look me over and over and over.

i have to constantly be telling myself what to do. its hard. i like not knowing what im going to do. i like not having to do anything and doing anything i like. but fuck! i dont have time anymore. and while i take myself down im taking down the closest people in my life. my family and best friends!

cameo hit a tree after i handed her duster.
glen got arrested when i asked him to steal me tcs.
i dont have this months rent.

it sucks. but...its over. getting a job. i can still play and work. and saving money to get the fuck outta dodge.

hot damn! if i do it right i could have a grand saved by june. i will have a grand saved by june.