a moment of weakness-i am now stronger
Tuesday, Dec. 09, 2008   4:10 pm

my first full fledged negative thought today?

its scary.

is that another?

doubt???

a thought came in my head and didnt run and it upset me:

i hate myself.

why, i wonder?

i tell myself stay positive.

and i am.

but thoughts come.

im not the me from before. i am an evolved version. more enlightened.

did buddha ever have a thought? maybe. and i just realized how he resolved that sort of negativity: mediation. to figure out the why.

more and more of me is doubting. glen. his heart. faith. his doubt. his readiness. i dont want to badger or nag or put voice to my fears-make them truer.

but, the seed is there. and hes nurturing it. he said "i" today. for a plan for later. that scared me.

im spending my last cent to make sure we are fed tonight and he was concerned about his last getting him home. not us. like id let him be stuck.

what the fuck?

im going to meditate. get this fear out of me or...see the truth of why its there...

* * *

okay. 15-20 minutes later and i do feel better. i appreciate my surroundings and what i have. i sent positive vibes out for others. i inhaled toxins in the air and exhaled love.

i know i can overcome fear. i already am, as i type. as for glen-he knows our truth. and, i know that what is meant to be always happens. if we do not survive this world together, then as vince said, our souls will find each other in due time-if they are meant to. and i believe they are. if glen doesnt, it will come to light.

beliefs change. just a week ago i believed in reckless abandon. and today i believe my body is a vessel that i cant afford to desecrate further. still not a cigarette.

i just hope glen comes around without me having to show him this.