ive lost my brother
Saturday, Jan. 18, 2003 2:25 am
EVERYTHING is so fucked up right now. everything. and i see no resolution in sight.
so, what am i supposed to do? sit and take it? i feel like thats all i can do right now. i need help. but ive got nowhere to get it from. i try to pull some strength from within. but when i tried to do that last night all i could manage to do was cut my wrists.
i havent done that since i think csf. which would be 2 1/2 years or more ago. i havent had the inner turmoil and hurt in me like i did last night this whole time. but its here now. i hope it stops. it makes me cry. not just cry but sob. and it makes me not care. I DONT CRY! well, now i do.
im so scared. i feel so goddamned stuck. im tempted to hop a bus and dip. but that wont happen for 3 reasons:
1. id never do that
2. i dont have the money right now (ive squandered over $1000 in the past few months on drinking and now im back at zero)
3. im not leaving my family-despite theyre the reason i had to ruin a long sleeved shirt this morning (that ive loved since my csf days) to cover my wrists
im so scared.
i dont know what to do about matt. do i ignore him and make this rift between us wider and wider by the day? do i forgive and forget? i dont want him to think im going to ever let go of this and allow him to believe what happened is okay. its not!
hes created a fear in me i never knew before. i dont want it to show, but i think he knows its spawned. how can i be afraid of my little brother??
but this is where i tear up. where i have to blame myself. its all my fault. in my part of raising him, ive created a monster. one that i dont know how to stop. and its all my fault. i feel like ive ruined his life and all of his future relationships with my neglect of him throughout the years. any little slight could boil up in his head. every single time hes asked for attention and id give it to someone else....while it seems so like nothing to me im so scared its pushed him one step closer to what happened yesterday. and i dont know how to undo everything ive done to him.
i dont know what to do. this damn computer cant relay these fucking tears and sobs escaping from me right now. but i hurt sooo much. (so much that i hurt myself to forget?) i ruined his life. i have ruined my little brother. im so scared he has no future. because of me. its not fair!! why did his father have to die? why did i grow up the way i did? why?!
fuck why!
i want to fuck up. i have this urge inside me to do something stupid. but that gets me nowhere and further from the right place. i have to fight it. i dont want to go home. id like to get a hotel room and forget the world. but, while i physically have the money for that, i dont really. its not to be spent on hotel rooms and drugs. but i want it to.
everything is so fucked up. and its all my fault. and there is no fucking person who will ever be able to tell me different. they arent me. they havent been where i have and done what ive done. i have no one to talk to about this. and theres nothing to talk about. there are no answers here.
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