from the cluttered mind of me...
Monday, July 13, 2008   5:00 pm

will i ever find love?
will love ever find me?
am i wierd?
i feel wierd.
not wierd-just different.
i dont feel like i am normal.
but i dont really have anyone elses brain to be in to determine what normal is.
does john like me?
why are we playing like we are?
hes not attracted to me.
im not attracted to him.
so why?
lonliness.
thats the reason for everything bad in this world, i believe.
i want to move out.
but i cant until my mom can support her and matt.
im relieved at the burden of my family.
otherwise id have to move out and be an adult.
i resent them but im scared to death for the day my mom is making enough money.
what will i do then?
i like that theyre my excuse.
ew. i dont want to be living with them when im 25.
ew.
i like damien.
i shouldnt.
hes turning into a friend like all the guys i met 3 years ago.
another freddy.
another karlos.
another miguel.
another kris.
another john.
nothing went very well with any of that.
but i like him.
or, i want him to like me.
he did once.
the first time we met he got my number from shannon and called me.
i turned him down via shannon.
but now...
i like lust.
but i need love.
how long am i going to work at this dead end job??
i really want to go back to school.
everything in the world scares the shit out of me.
im more comfortable doing what i know.
doing what comes easily.
i am definitely a creature of habit.
how do i plan to move cross country solo, ever?
i will.
i have to.
its not a question.
work was long today.
i need to go home and smoke a beautiful bowl.
i found out leah borrowed and broke my bowl.
she owes me $50.
and a new bowl.
time to call a cab.

gosh. this isnt even the tip of the iceberg of thoughts ive been having lately.