the tsunami that is depression
Thurs, July 10, 2008   4:30 p.m.

wow.

i dont know what triggered this. maybe a combination of tiny things over the period of today. but, a wave of depression has been trying to drown me for the last hour or two.

and it sucks.

it started with shannon this morning-she was telling me a story about miguel and hows hes an asshole and a terrible guest in her home. i thought it was funny. not that he hurt her feelings or left crumbs on the couch. just the things she told me made me laugh. nothing personal. im not in cahoots with migs. i just laughed. then she got all mad at me and i was shocked how serious she was about it. so, that made me not really wanna talk to her today.

maggie has bronchitis, laryngitis, and a double ear infection. she has no voice. and while i never realized it before i discovered today that her upbeat and peppy and annoying voice makes an impact on my day. shes unable to tell me stupid fucking stories lately to distract me from anything that was upsetting me. shes silent, pale, and shaky. that is bringing me down more i think.

then i got yelled at for taking a too long lunch. im not going to get into that-but if i were to steal anything from this place, it wouldnt be 3 minutes. my boss was sooo wrong but i have no way to prove it. so, ive just sulked the rest of the day away.

and now im really, really depressed. i dont know what to do with myself right now. i contemplated beach-but i dont wanna have to go home ever. i contemplated drinking...but i really shouldnt spend the money and drinking alone with nothing to read is getting lame. i considered going to the library and curling up with a good book...but that idea doesnt quite make my mouth water like it should. so, i wont do that.

ive settled, i think (unless puff the magic dragon swoops down and flies me out of this place), on calling a cab and getting a giant bottle of wine and settling in at home for the night. and the wine will last me til tomorrow. so, thats good.

im so lonely. ive no one to talk to who could possibly understand me. actually, ive no words i could use to explain myself so that anyone could understand me. i havent thought so far into this round of depression to be able to name it or describe why i could be feeling thus. im just accepting it and trying to drink it away.

i hate my job. i hate my life. i want to run away and be someone new. but, im always the same me no matter how hard i try to be anyone but me. me comes pouring through the cracks.