i wish i were you
Tuesday, Jun. 10, 2008   1:55 pm

i dont know what hope there is left for me. for my soul. for my ambitions.

im afraid i have nothing left to live for in this life. but, unfortunately, i dont have the guts to end it. so, im stuck. in a limbo.

im scared. in everything i do. i feel like im stuck in some dark place. i can see theres light somewhere, but im too scared to venture forth to it. so, i sit and wait to be rescued from whatever dark place im chained to. and the longer i wait, the more afraid of the darkness i become. the darkness that i live in-that i long to escape. thats really my life. fear. fear of fear.

i didnt realize it until recently. im afraid to fail. to succeed. so, i just stay. i make no moves. no gains. no losses. but, the longer i stay this stationary the more i lose myself. i was once a person. but i forget that. because, right now i am a nothing.

i need help. but im not going to get it. from where?! with what money?! but, i need it. i keep doing stupid things which set me back. while our economy is rolling around in a recession (soon to be a depression) im spending money on balls and drinking. i do stupid things i think because im too afraid to do anything else. its easier, too. the ball i most recently bought-i sold some to shannon and dropped the rest in the shower. i mayve done like 1/3 of it. for $130. but i cant look back. i never look back.

but i have to take a serious look forward one of these days. i just dont know how or what to do or whos going to help me. someone always needs to help me! im an infant. im a paraplegic. im deaf, blind, and mute. useless.