when i came around
Wednesday, May. 21, 2008   5:18 pm

im not sure what the hell im doing, but im pretty sure its counter-productive to what i was attempting to do for the last 4 months.

so, monday leah tells me she has lupus. well, i researched it and its not pretty. it can be very painful and its lifelong. i was at coyote ugly and it totally ruined my mood. i dont want any of the people in my life to go through any pain physical or otherwise. and it really just tears me up to know theres nothing i can do to help my friend. i know i can be there for her but you know what i mean. and then songs came on the jukebox that reminded me so much of john. jason mraz and citizen cope. and i was pretty overwhelmed with sadness and the thought of really losing my real friends. so, i texted him which eventually led to him picking me up and us going to the beach and then dinner.

it was a great time. of course. but, i must be careful not to get too caught up in the moment of having a john again. hes already invited me to a citizen cope show for his birthday. of course ill go-i love birthdays and i love him, but its not going to be like before. i need to not let the prospect of getting out of my house and doing that with anyone and for any reason lead me. thats what it was before that lead john and i to get where we did. i was dying to get out of the house and he was always willing to take me. and then it all just progressed from there.

he is my friend though. i cant forget that. no matter what shit im going through, he is still really my friend. and i dont think i have to hide from him anymore. and i dont want to.

i just have to keep my plan and goals in mind. well, first i should probably make some plans and goals.