i fell twice at work today :(
Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2008   4:38 pm

im at a point.

im not sure what point that is.

or, even if it really is one.

okay.

im somewhere.

that doesnt make much sense.

i dont know.

i dont know anything. what im doing. what i want. where i want to be or go. im trying to figure all of that out. but, i dont think im trying too hard. or i dont think im figuring too well. im not sure.

see? im pretty retardedly lost at this point.

so, maybe it is a point....

i have taken a step, though. really, i have. my "friends"-no more. ive said it before: im done. a lot. but, now i mean it. i dont want to be a part of it all anymore. and unless one disconnects all contact then they are still a part. so, ive changed my number. thats been a huge help. the rest is up to me to not call anyone in a desperate attempt to be loved again. but i dont think that will happen. i dont fit in and im in it for all the wrong reasons.

im a lost soul whose trying desperately to find itself. i am. im lonely as hell. but its better than making myself feel shit around the people who were in my life. it really is. i mean, if im desperate to get drunk i can do it the same on my own as with a group. and drinking alone isnt as much fun of course, but that just means ill drink less-which leads to less dumb decisions and unknown beds.

i love my shannon. shes all i need. and i dont need her anymore as much as i once did. but i know shes there, and that helps me keep doing what im doing. does that make sense (do i really care)? but, having her forever in my life makes rough times easier. and this is a pretty rough time.

i was mean. i dont be mean. but i was. and i knew it was dumb at the time, but i felt a bit crazy. and two days later i dont regret revoking my i-get-to-hang-out-card. i really dont. the way it happened i do. its prettttty dumb, but it takes drastic measures sometimes for change to happen. and i cant take anything back.

im very weak and thats what im working on working on. im weak in every way a human can be. at my job if someone yells at me i only know how to cry rather than defend myself. when theres a penis around i only want to be loved and will give myself to get that usually faux feeling. im working on it.

ive got to be a stronger person. im practically raising matt myself at this point. and he doesnt have much choice but to be an amazing person-i wont give him any. but i have to be his model. and im not. but, im working on my relationship with him and his outlook on the world. which, is pretty bad-naive, stupid, uneducated-at this point. i want him to grow up balanced and knowledged. this makes my task of raising him (he refuses to listen to mommy) so much more difficult with him not in school. it does. oy.

hes my guiding light right now. if i stick with him-his innocence, his sweetness, his out of the box brain-i think we will both be okay. i love him.

him and shannon. my air right now. and im grateful i still have them left. i deserve nothing.

but i will make myself up to them. i promise. and to me, too.