good vs. evil part II
Sunday, Dec. 16, 2007   12:25 pm

I believe that there is one story in the world, and only one. . . . Humans are caught�in their lives, in their thoughts, in their hungers and ambitions, in their avarice and cruelty, and in their kindness and generosity too�in a net of good and evil. . . . There is no other story. A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well�or ill?

i am good. i am. i have to be. when i put out a cigarette i find the nearest trash can for the filter. thats good.

but. im not. i see the good things ive done and think they are not good enough. i think to make up for things ive deemed bad i do some good to cover it up and maybe no one will notice. or i wont.

i think john steinbeck was a genius. if only for east of eden. a genius. he put feelings for me into words. words that stuck. stick.

why is it? why is mans perpetual inner conflict one where he fights in himself good against evil? i suppose if it werent this, itd be something else.

i dont think im so good. i cannot conjure up stories or examples. i kno i do not have good thoughts. i think lowly of everyone i meet and know. i do drugs. need them. wish i were stronger, then succumb.

a good person would never have tried drugs. nor have had their mom pay $400 for their drugs.

i dont even think i want to be what a "good person" (in my mind) is. it seems boring. to have pure thoughts. to always do whats right.

i have values. and i stick to them. but they are no one elses values. i made them up for myself and i stick by them. they are good. such as, being there for my family forever and not lying. im sure theres others, but theyre just a part of me-not verbalizable.

i need to make something of myself, then decide how good or how bad i am. right now, i am rotting. alone. it hurts. its scary. and it makes me want to reach for the things that will just hurt me more. but i dont want to. im fighting it. drugs. pills. drinks.

im not fighting as hard as i should be.

even if i were to read every entry from 2002 to now im not sure id be able to decide if i were a good or a bad person. nor can i tell when i just ponder it. who can tell me?

doesnt matter. theyd be wrong.