what happens in the grotto...
Monday, Oct. 08, 2007   7:21 pm

drama, drama, everywhere. and no one will shut up.

its stupid. and i cant say any more than i already have. but i feel like it wasnt enough.

i hate the feeling of not being trusted. it makes me feel inevitably guilty.

at work money has been missing since i started there. so much so that we now have been assigned registers. i feel guilty. every time bob yells out-we were $50 short yesterday! i dont understand it and its pissing me off!!

i feel like im being blamed. i wish i could explain to him how grateful i am to even have a job and that if i was stealing $20, $50, or $75 at a time id have new clothes by now. or at least even black shoes. but, i feel like i cant say anything without SOUNDING guilty. so, i say nothing and feel like he thinks im stealing his money.

thats how it feels with this thing right now. i have no alterior motives. while i may not be the sweetest person on the block, im not the type to lie to anyone. or try to mislead them. or stray them from truth. i love trust. i love being trusted. im not beondra. im not glen. im not a liar. to anyone. especially one of the most important people in my life. if not the one i care about most right now...besides myself. ive never done anything to purposely hurt my best friends. but it feels like this has happened before. with shannon.

id get closer to a guy she already had or liked and it would create a huge rift for too ridiculously long a time. and it felt horrible. worse than any break-ups ive ever experienced. funny, one of the biggest and most monumental rifts was glen then, too. funny. not. really. wierd.

i need to get away. i need to not care. or be so apart of this. like i told alex tonight, this shit is part of the chain reaction of everyone knowing and being connected to everyone else. its almost like being on a deserted island with these people. i cant seem to survive without them. and i cant seem to get along with them. were all competing. for each other. to get the most fucked up. to be the most right. to be friends with the most people. if one were on a deserted island with 15 people they wouldnt be able to run away and live on the other side. by themselves. the odds would be too against them. theres strength in numbers.

i wonder how one would fair just diving into the ocean? could the desperation of being alone, lost at sea provoke the determination and ambition to survive and make it back to land? leaving the 15 doomed running in their circles on their island...bumping into each other. flinging poo...

its a funny picture.

i dont like this. i dont like animosity like this with alex. i want to make her happy. its very sad how dependent i have become of her. and i feel almost like one of her boys. using her and beating her into submission to be my friend-with food and drink promises. its not fair. its what fucking kris does to everyone. i cant make her want to be my friend any more and i cant make her feel bad for not trying. its not my place. she doesnt feel that close to me and i have to not make her feel bad about it.

i must get away. i think im more lonely here and now, surrounded by people than i would be in the middle of the world on my own. i dont know who i am anymore. what i stand for. what i am. im lost in drugs and living a no-consequences life. i do what i want with little care. i cant do that here. theres too many catches. and people involved in every minor decision i make. from who i hang out with. to who i pass out next to. its sick. it has to stop!!

i am just getting fucked up for the sake of escape. but theres no escape. i keep running back to what i ultimately am dying to get away from. and it doesnt stop. im like a tiny train on a tiny track thats only set up to go in one tiny circle. a train cant change its own track. thats not true...but thats how my life has been for the past two years. and im sick of it. so fucking sick of not being able to be on my own. but its not true. we just make excuses so that its okay to keep going with our fucked up lifestyles. but im sick of it.

im sick of writing about the same shit. and not actually doing something about it. i have to!! no one but me can. and if someone could theyre not here. around me. sigh. im sick of this life. living in the living room. finding as many drugs to fill my system as possible. at any given moment. its scary. but i have to. i dont want this anymore.

ok. done writing. i should be spending time just getting high with duane. its better than thinking about all this crap that i cant do a thing about right now...i am trying though. i havent been drinking every night to get drunk. i havent been drunk since...perhaps last saturday? wow. cool. 9 days.

yay! im a recovering alcoholic! i need a chip. a 9-days-not-drunk-chip. okay. done. i feel a little better. and very excited to be better. and feeling like i have been trying and i meet up to my own personal standards right now.