sunny day real estate
Saturday, Sept. 01, 2007   3:37 pm

i am gonna be okay. maybe i shouldnt say gonna when i say that.

i am going to be okay.

better.

for a number of reasons. ive had a job now for 2 weeks. i am not dependent on any substances-well, i love to drink but its different from ever before. and i can easily say no to a blunt. i have serious plans for saving money once i begin getting paid.

im excited. im excited to become responsible. if i dont move out of state within the next two months then i will move into my own place. either way im super excited. and it seems like i might be okay.

miguel and i arent in a bad place. i dont think i can talk to him again for a very long time. but thats just to let these wounds scab over and heal. im over hector. i swear. and it feels good instead of feeling scary. and that feels good.

i kind of am feeling a certain sort of sexual liberation right now. but not in that im eager to have sex with any man with no strings. thats the original way of looking at it. i look at it as i am free not to have sex with anyone. i dont need to. they dont need me. my life can go on without me fucking anything that asks. which is what ive been doing for almost my whole fucking-life. it feels great.

ive always been sure i will be okay. its always seemed that theres no other way for my life to turn out. but that was stupid because i was doing everything possible to make sure that i didnt turn out alright. but, now, with this newfound sense of self-responsibility and anticipation of what i can do for myself i really am sure. i dont know.

oh, and i saw incubus again this week. just some icing on the cake of the life that belongs to me. it belongs to me. no one else. no one else should have more control in it than me. ive known that always, but never really practised it.

practised. isnt that how the brits do? idk. just thought id try.

i dont hope anymore that everything will be okay. there are no heavens or gods whose hands that "everything" is in. just me.

everything will be okay.