it has to get better
Thursday, Jul. 19, 2007   8:31 pm

its fucked. everything is so fucking fucked. my life. my relationship. me. everything. im so scared of how close i may be to a breaking point right now. but idk, because i amnt psychic.

everything may not be completely fucked, as of yet. but it is definitely falling apart. piece by piece. it started with finding hector 9 days ago. that was on like, a wednesday. thursday to sunday i was a despondent mess. and subconsciously pulled back from owen. and now he hates me because i wasnt around those days. it was hard. dealing with intense, buried for years feelings. i handled hector the best i could-for having been in a dazed shock for 4 days.

thats not even it. were falling apart because we dont love each other. thats it. plain and simple. weve tried. i have. im done trying almost. and that scared the bejesus out of me because i cant afford to not be with owen right now. god, i cant. i have nowhere to go without him. im utterly homeless. friends say im not. but, i am.

everything is terrible and i have no idea what my tomorrow holds. i really dont. im so scared. and the hector thing makes everything 39 times worse. i had so much hope for him and us. and now its panned out to be absolutely nothing. thats killing me at the same time as the realization that my boyfriend doesnt love me. im facing being dumped for the first time ever. i dont have a job. my phone is off. i have a single dollar left in my possession. im scared. i dont even have any hope left.

this is really hard. this isnt what being an adult is like, because adults have jobs. this is what being a terrible person is like. thats how i feel. i cant keep a guy. but thats not true. but for this owen character, they all couldnt keep me. but i still feel shitty. for every failed thing i have under my failure belt. and i dont know what to do. i cant turn to my mom because i accidentally totally fucked her over and cant fix it today, tomorrow, or the next day.

i dont know what the fuck im going to do. i need to go. i want to run. but alex is right-do it the right way. dont be stupid. i need to save money and have some plan. which is better than the original plan: go now with no money or direction.

i want to cry all the time. but i dont want to give owen the satisfaction or curiousity. i hope it gets better