5 years in the making
Wednesday, Jul. 11, 2007   1:37 am

im in pieces. my mind. my heart. scattered everywhere. and in the best of ways-yet the worst of ways.

hector exists. and he says he regrets having left. left sofla, left me. and he left me a comment. of an old smashing pumpkins video. idk if he knows or got lucky-but that means so much to me. why does he do this? keep dangling this string of him above my head. making me love him more with each tiny word and minute action? how does he? but you kno what...thats not my point tonight..

everything i have felt for the past 5 years partly has seemed like its all been in vain. like, im waiting for the sky to rain chocolate. but, after the couple short emails we've shared these last 2 days or so...i realize i havent been alone. i havent been making up feelings just because its been so long and my memory's gone hazy. i didnt make up this fucking love that i have and the love i know we deserve to get a chance to share. i didnt. thats how its felt though..like praying. no response. just faith. i had faith and hope and it didnt pan out to be nothing. its all been validated by him. the man i have always loved and-whether we get to ever meet in person again-the man i always will love.

i am still in shock. that after years of trying to find him i did. and he remembers me and thinks about me. and cares. god. this reaffirms every single thought i have had. every fantasy. every heartfelt tear. every chest-hurting moment that hes caused me. while i sit home wondering if hes alive. wondering if ill ever get a chance to know him again.

this is just so big for me. its what ive been waiting for for so long. i am terribly afraid it will all be ripped out from under me in some crazy flash. ill wake up and another day of no hector in my life will be beginning. his myspace will be deleted. his identity will be deleted by someone. i dont put much past the universe when it comes to ways they can try to keep him from me. im scared. i hope this works out.

then theres owen. how can i sleep in a bed with him when my heart is nowhere near him? when, in fact, my heart is almost 2000 miles away in holland, michigan? im a horrible person. but i didnt forsee this. and for hector, id do anything. gosh. i want to do anything to give us a chance.

i love him soo much and i just cant believe that ive found him. i feel like im fucking 16 again. its been a long time.