the stench of remembrance
Tuesday, May. 08, 2007   7:51 am

i havent necessarily figured anything out. and, i dont think anythings gotten any better. i dont think. but, i know only little. actually, i think the day of the last entry i blew $120 on coke. $120 that was put in my account for rent. money that i really dont have. fortunately, i have had good days and no reason to spend any money-so, the one thing that really has the strength to bring me down hasnt had a chance these last few days.

the last few days.

i am such a...something. giver in to the weaker side? but, i have spent the last 5 days or so escaping. hiding. running slowly away from reality. its worked monod-well. not like i can actually remember each day, but i know each was spent working at not being sober. im still not happy. ive just lost a few days being a giant vagina. i have missed 2-3 days of work this last week. and i realize how out of my group of friends ive become and how little i care. if i didnt have owen id probably care more (i cant even think of not having him right now). and it hurts but it isnt the beginning or ending of my world. i didnt fit in when i went there on saturday. i dont remember how? i dont care to? but, it isnt the same. i dont think i want to be around all those people at once ever again. one on one-sure! id love to hang out with miguel and karlos and kris. but, not all those people.

i dont know. am i changing? i doubt it-and if i actually am, its for the worst, so i hope im not. but, something has changed as far as the new direction of my life. it isnt south. its right where i am. not sure if thats good.

i dont know. things are shitty. i have a bad 'ship with my mom now-which is dangerous because when things are good we are very useful to each other. and when they are bad-we are not.

im afraid of and loathing work. i need a new job. but i need a new home as well. dammit, i forgot about that. owen helps/makes me forget a lot about my life.

i dont want to write anymore-it makes me remember facts of life the last few days have covered up. id rather take calls and make sales right now than remember.

****************************************
its been 12 years byron. its gotten easier for me. but, not for mommy. thats a long time. and i do miss you. its been so long. happy deathday.
****************************************