season for change?
Tuesday, May. 01, 2007   7:47 am

whoooo!! its depression time again. melancholy for no figure-outable reason. emptiness with no way to take it away.

is this a certain time of the year type thing? or...i dont know. i guess thats what this disease(?) is. they say it comes in waves every few months. and it does. one day i wake up and i just dont give a shit. everything seems harder. and nothing seems worth it. maybe i do have depression. and, again, maybe thats me allowing myself to make excuses. i cant decide. so, how should i get better?

is there nothing to cure? just my laziness? i think theres something needing to be done. im not sure.

yesterday i got up for work at 550, took a shower, and started getting dressed. id only put on my bra and underwear, looked in the mirror, and burst into tears. i couldnt go to work. i stayed in bed all morning. and i dont really know why. while i was crying i was saying things-all the things that i hate i said them out loud. i dont know why. to make me hate them more? i dont know. but im sad.

i dont really know how to relate this to anyone, that im not happy. because no one really knows what to do. but then again, neither do i. i have no clue. which is why id love to be able to tell all the people i kno how i feel-in case maybe they do know how to fix me. but, i kno they dont. and again, i dont even kno if i need help. if i am something in need of being fixed. if theres something even really wrong.

how do i find out? last time i went to a shrink or anything like it was...maybe middle school? i talked to the lady for like...20 minutes (prolly longer, but in hindsight it was 20 minutes). later that day my mom told me theyd decided i had depression. the end. no further sessions. no medication. nothing. which, now that i think about it, may have fucked me up a little bit extra. im not a pro, but i dont think thats how you handle an adolescent girls sanity, emotional welfare. but, im not a pro-what do i kno?

i suppose i should just make an effort. it sounds and looks so easy. make an effort. oh, sure. okay. ill do it. but its really not that simple. but, just saying it makes me want to try. but, thats the thing. its not that i dont want to try. i do. its the actual trying-the doing-that i cant quite master. im a failure. i know it. unfortunately, not too many around truly do. theyre really just setting themselves up to be disappointed by me. whos they? fuck if i know.

so, ill try. the end. thats that. and ill do it. try what? i have no idea. ill return if i figure something out.