mommy dearest
Saturday, Apr. 28, 2007   7:42 am

i feel like im in high school again. which is wierd-because i hardly ever can remember what it feels like to be a past me.

well, besides now.

i hate living with my mom. cant stand it. cant stand her. i am going to kill her.

i cant go into all the tedious details of the things that happen that make me hate her, but they are all there. trust me. and they really make me hate her and living with her and any coexistence weve got going on.

i cant take it anymore.

she judges me. she thinks she really knows me. and she doesnt. she thinks she knows EVERYTHING! and she doesnt.

last night, i came home and wanted to watch reservoir dogs with matt cuz i just got it for his birthday. they werent home, i was a little stoned and tired, and wondered when theyd be getting back. so, i call her:

hey, where are you guys?

were out. why?

well, when are you coming home?

(coooooly and bitchily and assumingly thinking im trying to throw a party in their absence or something) why?

because i wanted to watch a movie with matt and was wondering when youd be home.

oh, well...we just sat down to eat.

fine. bye. COCKSUCKINGBITCH!!!!!! it just made me really mad when she assumed that mean tone. like, she was preparing herself to get really pissed off at me. or she just knew i was going to do something she wouldnt like.

this morning, 645 my phone rings. its her. id woken up 5 minutes before and threw on some clothes. and shes like you almost ready. and im like yeh. and shes like (scoff) ill be there in a moment. LIKE SHE DIDNT BELIEVE ME!!! and i ended up waiting outside for HER!

ugh. i hate being this frustrated. that little, teeny, tiny conversations can make me this angry. but its what she does to me. and i know that its only because of (perhaps) what i taught her to expect of me but its also because shes a bitch. and i cant stand it. everythings adding up-building up. i need to move out. but when?? when the fuck is moving out time?

so much guilt because i know she cant afford a place. and idk how shes going to find a roommate that wont screw her over. but i cant. i need to live independently of her again. this is too much. and usually, what makes the rest of the day suck is the morning.

I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON! she, on the other hand, is. of course. so, in the car on the 30 minute drive to work shes just jibber-jabbering away about crap and looking at me to respond. i could give two shits and still not care. whatever that even means. but, seriously, i usually dont even respond. im trying to sleep dammit! but she keeps rabbling away.

ooh, fireball sun!

last night on pbs...

did you hear on the news...?

oh, your brother...

I DONT CARE! leave me alone. and she knows i am not a morning person. so, why does she poke and then act hurt if i fucking snap at her. i cannot control myself in the morning. which is why i fight so damn hard to keep my mouth shut-or itll be mean. i hate having to talk mean, but sometimes she doesnt get it any other way.

mommy, i really dont care.

please. dont talk to me.

im not listening.

and other things. those may not sound so bad-but i can pick the meanest tones to say those things in. that could make president bush cry.

god, i hate bitching about my mom. seriously. like im back in high school. i hated writing about her then. but sometimes i just get so fed up. like, when we're good, we're good-except she starts getting all attached to me. then, ill start going out more and not being home. but shell still be all over me. and the time i am home and just wanna chill shes like a vulture on hippo carcass.

look what i bought.

you hungry?

listen to my story...

so..whatcha doin?

god, im such a bitch. reading these things just reminds me how lonely she is. but..i dont know. because when shes a bitch shes a huge bitch. she recovers wonderfully from it-i dont. i hold grudges, which extend into her nice times and im still thinking about the night she went rummaging thru the closet for hair ties at 1am and woke my brother up yelling about the closet being a mess. theres still linens and tiers of fake christmas tree on the floor in front of it. my brothers too scared to touch it for fear shell yell at him and she refuses cuz he stuffed the closet or something.

AHHHHHHHHH!! i really need to get out. i dont care right now if its terribly selfish and she needs me. i am going to just make our relationship worse if i dont get away from her. the 3 days this week i spent at owens were so amazing. i came home just to change my skirt and she zoomed into my room with a bag of clothes. showing me everything even when she saw me changing. then acted surprised that i was leaving again.

oh, well. im just going to leave this bag of clothes on your bed so i know where it is.

BULLFUCKINGSHIT! its just convenient for you to come into my room whenever you want!!!

i need to get out so i dont fill my diaries with nightmares of my mother. this is pathetic.