drama doesnt follow me-i follow it
Thursday, Apr. 26, 2007   7:37 am

i say i hate the drama that commences in my life. and i mean it. but, ive been thinking...with so much drama in the ftl maybe its just a part of life. maybe, drama is the natural way of things. i refuse to go on thinking that im someone special who bad things like to follow around. bad shit happens to everyone. and conflict as a result happens to everyone else. its a way of life, im learning.

well, the most recent wave:

april 23rd. karlos' birthday. me, owen, and kris all happened to be off. karlos and a gaggle of people were going to hardrock. a gaggle including miguel. when owen only has 3 days a week to really see me, i wasnt about to ditch him to go waste money and get drunk at friggin hardrock and be around miguel who hates me. nor would i have brought owen-thats rude. so, i opted not to go. not a wise decision, i told myself. kris didnt want to go either. he bought himself and bunch of bars and was not in any sort of right mind. he didnt want to be around a big group of people and go spend a hundred dollars to get wasted. we could (and did) do that for like...10. and, because we didnt go, karlos was "hurt" (mad because we didnt go to lavish him with attention. im a little bitter, sorry).

thats just the beginning. and i knew that it was kind of mean not to go, but it just REALLY doesnt make sense for me to have gone. like, for the greater good, i decided to sit this one out. but, i digress. like i said, thats just the beginning.

so, we get shitfaced. kris sleeps-dances rather-the night away at owens. and around 9 am he wakes us up to say goodbye. he has to go. theres an emergency. then he said it and my heart dropped. he had no details besides what he told me. and all i could do was go back to sleep (and, id only been asleep like 2 hours by then). when i woke up for real, i texted karlos asking him what happened and if miguel was okay. he responded-he doesnt really want you to know, and hes mad at kris for having told you.

this is all fucking retarded. who am i then? if not their friend? if not someone who should be allowed to care? what else should i be doing? what else could i be doing? how am i supposed to make new relationships and keep the old ones when the old ones dont really want to be involved with the new ones? and maybe shouldnt. but, seriously. what the hell am i supposed to do? why shouldnt i know when life-changing things happen to best friends??? that really fucking hurts.

maybe its a guy pride thing. maybe its a we-hate-jordan-thing. which is possible. i somehow have the power to make those around me deeply resent me. whatever it is, i dont like it. i dont like it because the people who i have been friends with are withdrawing. and making it really hard for me to try and build a life not revolving around-but, of course including-them. i feel like im living a double life. when im with owen i try not to talk about karlos, miguel, and kris that much. and when im with them i dont mention owen. or i try. its really hard when both sides are a part of my life.

AND THE SIDES!! dont get me started on the fucking sides. this entrys never going to end...

there is a fine line, we decided, between me and everybody else (karlos and migs really). and that line right now is kris. when kris is with me i try and beat him for information on whats being said about me on the other side. and when hes there he has to be careful about what he says about my life so as to not upset miguel. and when hes with them theres also things they talk about that they tell him not to tell me and i do the same to him. its horrible. hes currently the only true bond i have to my hallandale life right now. and its hard. especially in the barred up state hes been in lately.

this is possibly one of the longest entries ive written here before. and i still havent said everything i need to. and theres still things i havent said due to promises made and promises kept. i dont really have anyone to talk to. owen doesnt know them-so anything i say may be considered biased and i wish he could just know the complete even truth. of course i feel like my feelings are the truth, but if hes never even met karlos then thats not fair. and i cant talk to owen about my ex all day. i already do enough. its not nice.

god. i have to go. but im not done. not by far.