to new beginnings?
Sunday, Apr. 15, 2007   7:39 am

why is life so hard?

or is that just how i make it?

stupid unanswerable questions. i wish theyd leave me alone.

i want a lot right now.

i want to move away and escape the burden of my family. that sounds horrible because its family. but, i think the relationship might be better if i wasnt responsible to them so much. if i wasnt as interconnected. because things i do immediately affect them and vice versa. and, lets not forget-i dont want to live with my mother forever. we dont have a basement for me to hermit up in. and, im realizing how little i really know about living and sustaining. and im learning at an almost backwards pace because shes a huge safety net. and i need to know how to do this alone. not to mention, if i fuck up, that safety net turns into a pit of fire. id rather fall into a pit of fire thats not my mother for once. that doesnt even make sense! eh...

i want a love like ive never had-or almost had. such high expectations for such a young person, i try to tell myself. but still nagging in my brain/heart is that need for that deep level of companionship. i want to look into someones eyes and feel my body burn for them. i want to touch them and know how right it is. i want to love someone other than myself. i wish there was just a store or some place you can go to find that person. because, right now, i have no idea where to look.

i want more control over myself. but at the same time that means sacrifices of the fun kind. not even drugs, but being out. away. not home, in bed-which is the ONLY PLACE I EVER AM AT HOME. but i need to be home. to ground myself. in the parental-im-in-trouble-sense, and in the i-cant-find-my-head-in-all-of-these-clouds-sense. balance? yes, i think so. but how? unanswerable.

im going to ponder this today-how to improve my life. my self being. my sense of responsibility.

and search for apartments online.