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Thursday, Mar. 29, 2007   12:48 pm

my lifes a mess.
im a mess.
and theres no vacuum in sight.

i broke up with migs for the second and final time yesterday. and while its a given we dont belong together and that im not happy in an intimate relationship with him, its rocking my world. he was my daily life. for 5 1/2 months. and now i find ive got nothing. and its my fault and i am not sure how to recover. i guess time will tell-yet again.

my friends. i feel i dont have any. kris and karlos look at me like im some heavy-duty crackhead. and the other night at the house there was a hush-hush society when coke was around. so much so, that i was left alone in the living room and there were 5 people in karlos' room. i dont think they understand how little of a shit i give if one of the has drugs. its the treatment i get when they dont want to share. and the amnesia that comes over them. theyve forgotten how everytime ive got something i give in to their puppy dog eyes and i-need-energy-for-work-later excuses. i have NEVER given an EXCUSE for someone to give me a line. if i want it i want it. period. so, fuck them. i dont want to be around people who are that self-involved and hypocritical.

other friends. i suck. i dont keep in touch or reciprocate actions. angela made me a CD, blew up a picture of us, and wrote me a letter for my birthday. i havent responded yet. at this point, unless i can match her sweetness, theres no reason to respond. but, when money allows, i do plan some return gift.

meg sent me a postcard from ireland. but because im too lazy to respond, i havent. and i dont want angela to see i responded to meg and be hurt by it. so, ill ignore all.

alex. oh, alex. she was my best friend. and i loved every second of it. but now, glen is all she sees. WHICH IS FINE. it'd be naive and just plain dumb of me to expect different. when you have a boyfriend, you have little to no time for anything (work, school, family). but, then i wish she wouldnt get my hopes up by telling me how much she wants to keep up a friendship, but doesnt deliver. if i didnt have zorro we wouldnt talk. so, taking care of the cat has its upsides. but, at the same time, i cant wait for her to take him back. then we'll see just how far our closeness will drift.

its not fair for me to sit back and wait for her to reach for me. but i do call her. and all i get are emails when its convenient for her. i hate feeling second best. dont keep in touch because of a feeling of obligation. do it because we are friends and thrive off of each others compatibility.

god. i need something. but i dont know what it is. i want drugs but not that much. especially not enough to contact people who only exist in my world for that purpose. im sick of drug-quaintances.